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Matt’s Corner: The One with All the Valentines

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Wrong Answer (World History):

Question: What is Saint Valentine known for?

Student’s Response: Making me shell out $50 for 12 measly roses every February.

 

Grandpa: “They say that the oldest Valentine still in existence dates back to 1415.”

Kid: “Wow! I didn’t know you and grandma gave out Valentines when you were teenagers!”

 

Two friends were on their way home from school, talking about candy.

One friend said, “I usually save my candy. I try to make sure my Valentine’s Day candy lasts until Easter, my Easter Candy lasts until the Fourth of July, my Fourth of July candy lasts until Halloween, and my Halloween candy lasts until Valentine’s Day. What about you?”

His friend replied, “I usually let my Valentine’s candy stash last until February 14th.”

“You eat it all in one day?!”

“No. But after Valentine’s Day, it’s not Valentine’s candy anymore. It’s regular candy.”

 

Wrong Answer (Marketing):

Question: How much does the average American spend on jewelry for Valentine’s Day?

Student’s Response: Whatever the money equivalent of an arm and a leg is.

 

Daffynition:

Gift Card [noun]: 1. a prepaid stored-value money card usually issued to be used as an alternative to cash. 2. The perfect gift that says “I don’t know you at all!”

 

Relationship NEVERS:

  • Never bring your date flowers that you picked from their garden. The roots and dirt are a clear giveaway, procrastinator.
  • Never try to bring a “unique comedy style” to the first date. The may not agree with your definition of “funny.”
  • Never brag. ‘Nuff said.
  • Never make stuff up about yourself. Be honest, otherwise, sooner or later, someone’s bound to see right through you.
  • Never come on too strong or too weak. Otherwise you might make your date scared or mad, and they’ll leave you with the bill that you had originally planned to split.

Please note that these “Nevers” aren’t based on the writer’s real life. They are intended for comedy.

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Matt’s Corner: The One with All the Valentines